Today is Fake Typing Day. Why? Because in exactly 5.63 minutes, I’ll have completed my work for the year and then I’ll sit around and wait until The Boss says, “Ya’ll can go home – have a happy Christmas!” – which, sadly, will not be in exactly 5.63 minutes, but more like, 210 minutes *sigh*. So, in an attempt to pretend that I’m actually busy at my desk (since my team leader sits in the same aisle), I have to Fake Type.
It’s an art form really, not everyone can do it – and me…I’m a pro! Luckily enough, as a result of having spent 4 years working as a transcriptionist and copytyper, I can type without looking at the keyboard and I’m pretty fast – and this just makes your Fake Typing far more realistic. So when a colleague says something, you can carry on typing while looking at him/her and replying – and this always impresses people.
Part of Fake Typing also involves specific facial expressions and gestures to make it more believable:
(a) The Thoughtful Stare – look at the computer screen and squint a little; you may even want to add an “Aaaaah ok” to that:
*type type type…*Thoughtful Stare*…”aaaahhh ok”….type type type*
(b) The Occasional Sigh – you can add a little muttering under your breath when you do this…
*type type type…”*Occasional Sigh* stupid grrr stupid mfmfpfmpm”…type type type*
(c) The Neck Roll – this is a good one! Doing this makes you look like a hard working employee and your boss will think, “Sheesh – she’s a machine! I clearly should consider organizing neck massages for the staff.” (Ok, perhaps the last part of that sentence is me being over-optimistic). You can even combine the Neck Roll with an Occasional Sigh and a Thoughtful Stare – the possible combinations are endless:
*type type type *Neck Roll* *Occasional Sigh*…type type type…*Thoughtful Stare*…”Aaaaah ok”…type type type*
(d) The “My-back-is-so-sore-from-working-so-hard” Stretch – try to do this at least 4 times a day – and if you can, then combine it with a Neck Roll. The combination sends the message that you’re just so darn hardworking it’s ridiculous! (And a stretch is always good anyway):
*type type type* *My-back-is-so-sore-from-working-so-hard Stretch* OR *type type type* *My-back-is-so-sore-from-working-so-hard Stretch* *Neck Roll*
Just remember, when Fake Typing, nothing you write is supposed to make sense, so don’t worry if you just fill a Word document with random words, type out the lyrics to your favourite song, or write about how bored you are. Just be sure never to accidentally send what you write to anyone via email or as an attachment – all Fake Typing documents should be deleted when your day is done. And if someone comes to your desk while you’re Fake Typing, minimize the document – you have to perfect the Alt+Tab function – practice it until you can do it in your sleep!