I’ve always found writing to be rather cathartic – a way to rid my mind of the thoughts that way it down too much or, at the very least, lesson the load of thoughts.
One of the many things my mother taught me from a very young age, and for which I’ll be eternally grateful, is translating what’s in my head to words on paper – and so I often kept journals. Obviously when I’d decided to attempt to move to Germany, I realised I’d have to get rid of a lot of my possessions, which included some of my personal journals. But before I threw them away, I (apprehensivly, but excitedly) opened each one up and read what I’d written so many years ago. One of them was about 12 years old.
And then it came to the most recent journal that I’ve kept – from 2008 to 2010. I skimmed through the contents very briefly because I was very aware of what was inside. The last few years had been up and down for me, and all those ups and downs had been strewn across the pages of this particular journal. I didn’t want to go back there…I didn’t want to be reminded of my old state of mind – the way I used to think about things…why – because truly, I am a new person. Yes, sure, I still carry some of my old traits with me and I sometimes slip into my old way of thinking – almost like that comfy pair of slippers you just can’t bring yourself to throw away – so easy to slip into.
But it struck me how things have changed over the last year. The people who’ve come into my life and who’ve helped me make a significant change. And so I decided the journal had to go – it was almost ritualistic you could say – I made a fire, looked at the journal one last time, and threw it into the flames. The back of the journal had a quote by Emile Bronte – I can’t remember which one – but whichever it was, it doesn’t really matter. As that journal lay burning, and the pages turned to ash, it felt like a cleansing. I was finally getting rid of everything – there no longer was a reminder – all the opportunities to be reminded were now being scortched to death.
As I said, I don’t know which Bronte quote was written on the back cover – but it doesn’t matter, because it’s this Bronte quote that’s most applicable at this stage of my life…:
“No coward soul is mine, No trembler in the world’s storm-troubled sphere; I see Heaven’s glories shine, And, Faith shines equal, arming me from Fear”