I’ve plunged myself into a bad state today and it seems I’m struggling somewhat to get out. For the past few months I’ve been trying to learn German with the goal to potentially doing the A1 German exam through the Goethe Institute. It’s been fun learning the language and obviously was a little easier when I was attending classes. Now, however, I’m going at it on my own since I’m in Berlin and my German classes were taking place in Cape Town. So on my own I’ve been working through the workbook and using as many resources as possible.
I got to the end of the workbook today and thought it’d be enough to attempt the A1 exam, but then I realised, I need to learn material from the first and second book to get to the A1 level. For someone who’s emotions have been hanging on the thinnest thread possible, this really was the ‘last straw’. My immediate reaction was to email Mani saying “I just can’t do it,” and then assume the foetal position and cry…which is pretty much all I’ve been doing for the last two hours.
Humans aren’t supposed to do things in their own strength – God has made that pretty clear; and He’s also made it clear the He’ll never take us through anything that we’re not strong enough to handle. But my irritatingly fragile state at the moment is creating blinkers that stop me from grasping these truthes with both hands and holding so tightly onto them that I can walk with my head lifted high and the biggest smile on my face. Instead, I walk with my eyes cast downwards, an upside down smile and a look of fear and trepidation on my face.
I’ve known myself pretty well for the better part of 27 years, but I still cannot understand why I’m one of those people who always tends towards over-worrying, over-analysing, over-feeling…over-everything…just never being able to ‘get over it’.
Yeah, I know, not a very positive post, but you’ll just have to excuse me. Hopefully at some point I’ll blow you all away with the most positive post ever, but for now I’m in too much of a rut and clambering out of it seems near impossible.