Upside down smile


I’ve plunged myself into a bad state today and it seems I’m struggling somewhat to get out. For the past few months I’ve been trying to learn German with the goal to potentially doing the A1 German exam through the Goethe Institute. It’s been fun learning the language and obviously was a little easier when I was attending classes. Now, however, I’m going at it on my own since I’m in Berlin and my German classes were taking place in Cape Town. So on my own I’ve been working through the workbook and using as many resources as possible.

I got to the end of the workbook today and thought it’d be enough to attempt the A1 exam, but then I realised, I need to learn material from the first and second book to get to the A1 level. For someone who’s emotions have been hanging on the thinnest thread possible, this really was the ‘last straw’. My immediate reaction was to email Mani saying “I just can’t do it,” and then assume the foetal position and cry…which is pretty much all I’ve been doing for the last two hours.

Humans aren’t supposed to do things in their own strength – God has made that pretty clear; and He’s also made it clear the He’ll never take us through anything that we’re not strong enough to handle. But my irritatingly fragile state at the moment is creating blinkers that stop me from grasping these truthes with both hands and holding so tightly onto them that I can walk with my head lifted high and the biggest smile on my face. Instead, I walk with my eyes cast downwards, an upside down smile and a look of fear and trepidation on my face.

I’ve known myself pretty well for the better part of 27 years, but I still cannot understand why I’m one of those people who always tends towards over-worrying, over-analysing, over-feeling…over-everything…just never being able to ‘get over it’.

Yeah, I know, not a very positive post, but you’ll just have to excuse me. Hopefully at some point I’ll blow you all away with the most positive post ever, but for now I’m in too much of a rut and clambering out of it seems near impossible.


10 responses »

  1. I can only “Amen” on all the previous remarks! You tend to drive yourself too hard and in the process, you sometimes drive yourself nuts! Relax !! You’ve only been there for two weeks and things will work out – just give it time!! Now take that book and go sit in a Cafe, park, shop, whatever, but most of all, enjoy yourself!!!

  2. There will be days like these, but in the end, they will make you stronger!

    Learning a new language is NOT easy, but instead of looking at the fact that there’s another book to work through, look at the fact that YOU’RE HALFWAY!!!!!!! You’ve completed one, and have another one to go! And you have a lil bit of time, which mean you can do it ‘rustig’.
    Also, i dont know how the weather is etc, but if you can change your scenery — take your book — go sit in the park and study. Go sit in the mall and study. Just also take breathers! Thinking of you doll! xoxo

  3. Ugg! It is so difficult trying to sort yourself in a new culture/county sometimes! I wish I could offer solutions but doubt that I have any good advice. So instead, I’ll just offer up my prayers and good thoughts!

    Hang in there!!

  4. Hey Carmen. You’re just having one of those days, don’t worry they’re normal, just take them as they come and tomorrow go out and buy the Schritte 2 and start preparing for that A1 exam! Don’t be hard on yourself -it’s just a matter of doing everything in ‘bite size chunks’.
    I’m thinking of you!

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