Wow, I can’t believe I’ve been in Berlin for just over a month – time really does fly. I’ve started to settle in, though I’ve done so quite tentatively – I think subconsciously, I’ve avoided ‘settling in’ because I’m scared the rug will be ripped from under my feet. I don’t want to fall in love with how life is here for me at the moment, only to be told that I can’t get a Visa, and that I have to go back to South Africa.
At the moment I’m in limbo – No Man’s Land – as I sit and wait for the Auslaenderbehoerde to contact me and tell me whether or not I’m going to get a Work Visa – and this time of waiting really is the worst. It eats away at my mind like a disease. I constantly feel as if I can never have rest and peace until I know what’s happening…what their decision is with regards to my Visa – which, for me, represents the next phase of my life. (Though to the Auslaenderbehoerde it’s probably just another application). I’ve been trying not to bother Mani with my insecurities and fears about the whole thing, but yesterday I just couldn’t keep it in anymore, and it all came bubbling out of my mouth. And he told me what he’s been telling me all along – I can only do what I can do – the rest is out of my hands. I have to give over to God and let Him do His part in all of this. He’s blessed me so abundantly throughout this process already and stressing and worrying about stuff only takes my eyes off His blessings – which I then cannot enjoy to their fullest degree.
None of this is about the Visa, or moving to Germany, or being with Mani, or leaving family behind for the first time in my life, or making new friends, etc, etc, etc…no – all of this is about learning how to overcome my inner struggles – the things that hold me back and make my world imperfect and unenjoyable. God’s putting me through my paces; He’s trying to get me to turn myself around, see myself as I should see myself – getting to know my strengths and developing them; recognising my weaknesses and changing them.
I really hope and pray that a few months down the line, I’ll be able to tell you all I’m settling into an apartment in Berlin, looking forward to the first day of my new job, enjoying random date nights with Mani that aren’t virtual and don’t involve Skype and a few thousand kilometres of space. *sigh* Yip, that’s what I’m holding out for.
But for now, all I can say is: