The thunder-storm this morning represents what’s going on inside my heart. I love thunder storms – I love sitting in the warmth of this room, rain pouring down outside, grey clouds gathering and making things a little eery. But with this comes a little bit of fear…a little bit of trepidation – and when the thunder’s particularly loud, I want to run and hide under the covers.
This tug-of-war between enjoying something and at the same time being scared is exactly how I feel about life at the moment. Next week this time, I’ll be sitting in the airport, waiting to board a plan back to South Africa. On one hand, I’m loving the idea of seeing my family and friends again, but on the other hand, being pulled away from what I’ve grown to love here in Berlin is, quite simply, heart breaking. I think it would’ve been different for me if I was assured of the fact that I’d be returning to Berlin – but that’s not a certainty. So this time, when I leave Mani at the airport, I just don’t know when I’ll see him again. I don’t know if I’ll experience the joy of being able to utter the words, “I got my Visa, I’m moving to Berlin!”; I don’t know if I’ll experience the joy of being able to plug into the church here that I’ve grown to love, or invest properly in the friendships that have started to develop in the three months I’ve spent here.
My tendency in these situations is to allow the dark clouds to hover over my head; to allow negativity to have its way with me, to the point of losing all sense of positivity. But that’s not what I want for myself – instead, I want to see this as an adventure – I want to enjoy every step of the process, no matter how absolutely annoying it can be (and let me tell you something – bureaucracy is darn annoying!).
I think about the situation I’m in and all that comes to mind is ‘bitter-sweet’. What I’m learning through all of this though is to trust God completely – to do all that I can, but to leave the rest to Him and to know, and accept in my heart, that He’s in control, no matter what.
It ain’t easy…