I had one of those moments this morning in which I was faced with truth that seemed hard to grasp. (I seem to have those moments often actually). I know that all too often I’m so easily thrown around and battered by the storms that come my way. I would love to say that I’m able to stand my ground amidst these storms, but that would be a lie.
My daily struggle, it seems, is to stand firm when uncertainties, disappointments, frustrations, and emotions (and hormones!) are swirling all around me. I know that as a Christian, I’m expected to have Faith – “…the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see,” but I have to be honest…I really do struggle and all too often I collapse in a tired heap – too tired to continue placing one foot in front of the other.
Today’s quiet time piece spoke right into my situation, and into something that’s bothered me for some time. This lack of Faith I seem to have (do I really lack it?), annoys me and I often hang my head and squeeze my eyes shut – wondering what on earth I can do to ‘get it’ – to let the concept finally click!? Why is it that so many people find it easy to have Faith, yet I try grabbing at it, but never seem to really grasp it? It’s like wanting that pair of shoes for so long, and then having your best friend buy them for herself, and parade around in them – so effortlessly, so easily…loving every moment. Like I said to a friend of mine a while ago – if there was a Faith switch I could flip on, I’d dash for it immediately. I’d run to that switch like I’ve never run to anything before, and I wouldn’t let anything stand in my way.
So back to the part of my quiet time piece that poked at me – the Apostle Paul had what I want. In Philippians 4:11-13 he talks about how he’s learned to be content in any circumstance. He wasn’t tossed about by any storms – in fact, if I remember correctly, the dude was even happy in jail! Like my quiet time piece put it this morning…”…he never allowed himself to get upset with where he was at the moment, he was always looking forward to where he could be.” He was enjoying where he was, on the way to where he was going.
Now this just makes me sit here and say, “Darrrrnnnnn Paul! WHY! How come you got it?! And how come I don’t get it?!” I think this is a situation in which I’m allowed to be envious 🙂
I long after the revelation (and subsequent peace) that Paul had. I want to sit next to him, chat with him, ask him what he did to flip that switch. Some days I think it’s hopeless – one of those “if you don’t get it now, you never will” situations – but at the same time, I’m always hearing about how God will give you the things you desire the most. And for now, put aside all the things I want that I cannot get; the crappy situation I’m in that I hate…apart from all that…what I really desire is to gain insight into having that Faith that cannot be shaken…to be able to say, with complete conviction that “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”