Tag Archives: Anxiety

Superpower that’s not so super

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Right so, I may get overly anxious and freak out about things that should not be freaked out about (is that even grammatically correct?!), but I have to accept myself for who I am, and try to work with myself and not against myself. And what I am, at the moment, is Anxiety Girl, yeah!!!! I have the superpower to freak out! Hahahahahaha! Ok, I’ll explain by letting you see the picture my awesome friend Lauren sent to me…

Yip – Anxiety Girl! Hey, it’s good to find the humour in things and when I saw the picture I couldn’t help but laugh. And this morning I was reminded about why this is, in fact, me…I’d received some work a few weeks back and the type of work it was, was something I hadn’t done in aaaaaaages. So what did I do? I put my Anxiety Girl cape on and freaked out about it. “I can’t do this…I haven’t written something like this in ages…this is going to be difficult…I just want to give up…why me….why me…” I’d wake up every morning, not wanting to face the work; I’d sit at my desk wondering how on earth I’d “get through this” – but I did. Before commencing the work, I prayed and asked God just to direct me and calm me. He directed me, but I ‘un-calmed’ myself…

However – I completed the work in record time and it seemed to be ok. When I handed it in, I had the “Ok, well…whatever…I did what I could” attitude. But because I still had my Anxiety Girl cape on, I was already expecting to receive comments from my editors on my work, saying “This is AWFUL…please just rewrite this, and this time, do a good job”. But I was proven wrong twice! Firstly, the editor thought the work was so good, she didn’t have to ask me to implement edits.  I was overjoyed – but then my negativity interjected my positivity and said, “Yeah ok sure…but wait until it gets edited further, but other people…they’ll find fault with it and you’ll have to redo everything, HA!”. But then…I received the work back from the other editors, and got a positive response – so much so I was told that I’d “done a good job” – and in my field of work, that happens very rarely.

So, the lesson I have to learn, I think, is to start packing away that Anxiety Girl cape. I have to resist the urge to jump to the most negative, ridiculous conclusions, and rather, let things just unfold as they’re meant to…

Anxiety Girl, over and out!

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Mr De Pro

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I woke up this morning and I could feel him in the room. I hate it when he drops by unannounced…though to be honest, lately I’ve become accustomed to expecting him. I pretend to still be asleep, but I open my left eye slowly and peer out at him. He’s sitting there, waiting…reading a magazine.

I know the moment I sit up and place my feet on the ground, he’ll put the magazine away, crack his knuckles and get ready to annoy me. It always starts off that way and progresses into a day of him following me like a dog’s tail. You would think that by now I’m used to having him around, but to be honest, even if I’m used to it, I really don’t enjoy it. He’s not even worthy of being called a guest – I’ve had no desire to ever extend an invitation to him. In fact, if I did extend an invitation to him, it would be one to leave me alone.

Just as I thought! As I remove the duvet and place my feet on the ground, the excitement in his eyes is evident. I avoid his gaze as I walk past him towards the bathroom, but as always, he follows me. He’s so darn predictable! All I can do is sigh and shake my head.

There are a few moments throughout the day when I notice he’s not around, but it seems he’s always very quick to return from wherever he’s been. He knows he can’t leave me alone for too long because then he runs the risk of me being happy and feeling confident enough to ninja kick him in his face.

Anyway –I know he’s lurking around, wanting to pull his tongue out at me. But hopefully one of these days it will be the other way around and I’ll be the one annoying him and pulling the tongue! He has no hold over me and I’ll break him with my smile!

When is good enough really good enough?

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There are many bad aspects to being an over-achiever – one of the biggest of these being the tendency to constantly be stressed.

I’ve come to realise that I’ve never really applied the principle of “just do your best”. Possibly because I’ve had an incorrect understanding of what “my best” is. For me, my best is perfection and it’s always been that way. So, at school or in college for instance, it was never good enough to just get 70%. No, it had to be 80% or more (…preferably more). To reach that (sometimes) unrealistic target, I would put so much strain on myself to study for hours and I’d neglect the fact that I was entitled to still live a little – still take time out to watch some TV and put my feet up.

Later in life, as I entered the working world, this tendency to over-achieve manifested in extra hours spent at work, or working on things from home. Again – this meant neglecting taking some ‘time-out’. Don’t get me wrong – we should all have certain personal standards to which we aspire – it’s never good to just be pleased with reaching the bare minimum or “just making it”. And it’s good to be diligent, hard-working and focused. But, the secret is in balance.

I’m currently working on something that’s been rather challenging and not only did I initially freak out about it and hit anxiety mode, but I also realised today that I’m expecting myself to get everything 100% perfect. But that kind of thinking just sets me up for more anxiety later on. Why? Because I won’t get it all perfect, and then I’ll be disappointed because I’ll have “failed”. So really, I’m just setting myself up.

The best you can do may not always be what others expect from you and may not be what you expect from yourself – but…it’s the best you can do. At least you know you gave it all you’ve got. There’s a kind of peace in that type of understanding, but it’s a peace I’m yet to fully understand…

Just another Cowboy stand-off

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I recently hit a huge speed-wobble that sent me tumbling down a self-imposed mountain. Yes, this sentence is a little wordy, but really, it’s the best way I can describe what’s happened.

I’ve always known I have the tendancy to be rather stressed out or nervous…or anxious, but I was only really confronted with the full force of this part of my personality in the last two months. And one thing’s for sure – it’s scary!

It seems that lately I perceive the simplest of things to be a huuuuge obstacle – something to run away from or try to avoid. Something small can set my anxiety off to the point of tears – and I don’t mean little miniature monkey tears…no, I mean huge crocodile tears – the type that makes your entire body convulse. And not only tears – ooooh no – but also a racing heart and dry mouth. There are days when I walk around with that feeling in my chest that you normally get when you’re about to write a major exam…know that feeling? Yeah, now imagine walking around with it for an entire day. Nice? Nope!

But I’m having to deal with this new monster in my life – Mr Anxiety. Instead of letting him freak me out (is it possible to be more freaked out than what I am these days?! 🙂 ), I have to face him head on…you know….cowboy style – stand up straight, shoulders in the correct position, head held high, eyes glaring at him, ready to draw my gun. This stand-off isn’t pleasant, that’s for sure – but I’m hoping it leads to a day where I can stand over Mr Anxiety, as he’s laying on the dusty ground, and shake my head with pity…staring at him until he breathes his last breath.

It just sucks though, that I have to go through this – sometimes it makes me feel like somewhat of an incomplete Carmen. But then I just have to remind myself that everyone has a monster – mine may be Mr Anxiety – but for others it could be something totally different. And who’s to say I’m experiencing the worst kind of monster?

Anyway – what makes it easier isn’t only my resolve to make this monster fall, but also, I have a great support system. Were it not for the angels in my life, I think my outlook would be veeeeery different…

Building Rome

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I’ve had a lot of trepidation and fear in my heart lately and it’s caused more trouble than good. In fact, it’s pushed me down into an abyss that I wouldn’t want anyone else to be pushed into. But slowly, I can feel light and excitement returning – it’s a slow process, sure, but it’s a process nonetheless – and in life, certain (good) things take time.

There’s the (old, over-used) saying that Rome wasn’t built in a day – and although this saying is rather annoying at times…so annoying it makes you want to slap the person who uses it…it is true. I’ve been lucky enough to see Rome myself, and it’s beautiful! I’m glad those who built it took the time to craft it properly – paying close attention to every stone, every pathway…all the details.

Fear is not my friend and to be honest, he’s not really welcome here – but he is visiting for a while. And it seems he’s brought his good friend anxiety along for the holiday. The combination of these two is quite a force to be reckoned with, but what they don’t realise is that I have a greater force on my side.

Isaiah 41:10:

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Being pushed into this current abyss has forced me to take stock of things in my life; it’s forced me to reassess things, to think about things I never thought about before. It’s often like this in life – when we hit an unexpected speed bump, we find that our ears and eyes are far more sensitive: we seem to be more affected by things we hear or see and we have the urge to delve deeper and find out more.

As far as I can tell, it’s just all part of the process of taking redefining steps (which can be quite scary!).