The going under and the Rising up

A few (important) things have happened over the past week. I guess I should’ve blogged about them immediately, but I resisted the urge. Not because I didn’t want to blog about them, but rather, I wasn’t too sure what to say.

Last Monday I woke up with a heavy feeling leaning on my heart. I lay in bed, thinking, “I just can’t go through another week like this. Waiting, crying…waiting.” It was difficult to will myself to place my feet on the ground and get out of bed. I just felt there wasn’t much to look forward to.  Physically I felt tired – as if any energy I’d had up to that point had now completely vanished. Emotionally, physically and spiritually I felt depleted.

I walked downstairs and sat infront of my computer. “Why?” I thought. “What is going on…what is it that’s really happening?”. I didn’t want to be alone and decided to call my mom once I’d got dressed to tell her I’d come through for the day – just to be around someone…to avoid being alone with my thoughts. Whilst in the shower, I heard my phone ring. When I checked, it was a missed call from my mom. When she called back, she said, “Your certificate is ready, you can go collect it at Home Affairs.” I cried like a baby – I couldn’t speak, and totally broke down. This time, however, the tears were tears of joy and relief. After the call, I found myself on my knees thanking God. And then He said something simple, but profound, to me: “Now will you trust Me?”

So I collected my certificate from Home Affairs last Monday and my father and I went to the Cape Town High Court to have an Apostille seal applied to it. My spirits had lifted – the weight of so many worries had been removed from my shoulders. I was able to smile again and mean it! Then, on Friday, I had an appointment to see the German Consulate in Cape Town – and I handed in my application for a Reunification Visa. My spirits were high and I felt good – now I’m one final step closer to being reunited with my husband!

It’s bitter-sweet, because more and more I realise that there’s so much I will miss here in Cape Town. And it may sound odd to some, but God’s prepared this time for me to Rest and to Enjoy. It’s not easy – in true OCD-style I still have nagging worries and thoughts in my head about what bad things could possibly be waiting around the corner, but then I think to what Pastor Phil Dooley said yesterday…when you become a Christian, life doesn’t miraculously become easier. Instead, you as a Christian decide that you’ll meet the bad news with an attitude of an overcomer who has the most powerful Father at your side.

This message was quite significant because yesterday I was baptized. I don’t think the full impact of the baptism has hit me yet, but it has stirred something in my heart. I stood before quite a few people and explained how I didn’t think I’d make it through the past few months. But in the end, I did, and although I’m still completely imperfect, it was time for me to be obedient to the One who’s been there every step of the way.

I’m still silly – I still get tossed about by change and circumstances – but what’s happening now in my life really must be something big and it’s not even started yet – this really just is the beginning!

– Risk –

I was lucky enough to hear Pastor Paul Scanlon preach at Hillsong this past Sunday – he definitely has a way of stirring people in their seats as they listen intently to the message he delivers – a simple message really: basically, take some risks!

So there we go, another sermon that’s so applicable to my situation – so hard hitting – hitting me right between the eyes…more than once.

Essentially there’s not enough risk in the world – people move forward until they reach their ‘comfortable’ point and then they turn around and head back  in the opposite direction – the ‘safe’ direction. So they don’t progress, but rather, just remain rooted in one position. But how can we know it’s really that safe if we haven’t actually moved beyond that point to have a look at what’s on the other side?

I’ve been living a safe life up until now – constantly reaching the point of change but choosing (both consciously and subconsciously) to turn around and head back to what I know, what I’m familiar with – my safe haven. But not anymore – falling in love with GH pushed me beyond the point I normally avoid; it gave me the dertermination and courage to peek over the wall and attempt to see what could possibly be waiting for me on the other side. Did I see anything? – No. So do I know what’s on the other side? – No. Do I want to turn around and head back to my safe haven? – No. If I don’t push forward, I’ll be making what I believe to be one of the biggest mistakes of my life – even if things don’t work out the way I’d like them to, at least I’ll know I took a stand for my own life and embraced Risk.

“You can’t discover new oceans unless you have the courage to leave the shore.”

This is the only shore I’ve ever known – it’s familiar; it’s day in and day out; it’s year in and year out – and it could easily become the rest of my life – playing it safe, keeping it in the box, treading lightly – but I’m choosing to live differently; choosing to jump out of the plane with a parachute, not knowing whether or not it will work.

It’s taken 27 years to reach this point; to muster up the courage; to realise and accept that even if things don’t work out, it’s still Ok; and God brought this revelation to me in the most beautiful form possible – Love.